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Mr. Darcy and Whiskey: If Literary Characters Were Beverages

Mr. Darcy is whiskey

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that whiskey makes for an excellent character arc. –Jane Austen, probably

Have you ever thought about how different drinks have different personalities? If chocolate milk were a person it would surely have different hobbies, character traits, and life goals from Wine or Orange Juice, for example. So naturally, this question simply begs to be asked: if certain characters from literature were beverages, what type of beverage would they be??

1. Whiskey = Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice

Whiskey has an immediate burn, but then settles into a nice, warm feeling in your gut after that initial bitter taste. In Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Darcy is much the same in that Lizzy (and readers) initially don’t like this jerk at all, but eventually realize he’s actually an incredibly warm and loving guy once you get to know him.

Initial burn: 

From the very beginning— from the first moment, I may almost say— of my acquaintance with you, your manners, impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the groundwork of disapprobation on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike; and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry. –Lizzy Bennett

But later: 

I am the happiest creature in the world. Perhaps other people have said so before, but not one with such justice. I am happier even than Jane; she only smiles, I laugh. –Still Lizzy

2. Lemonade = Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan is Lemonade

A sweet outer taste hides the inner sourness of the lemons in this drink…what could be a more fitting description of Daisy from The Great Gatsby? She acts like a carefree girl at the top of society, but she hides a bitterness in her soul as a result of losing Gatsby and her decadent but fake life.

Her charming sweetness:

They were both in white and their dresses were rippling and fluttering as if they had just been blown back in after a short flight around the house…[Daisy] laughed, an absurd, charming little laugh, and I laughed too and came forward into the room.

“I’m p-paralyzed with happiness.”

She laughed again, as if she said something very witty, and held my hand for a moment, looking up into my face, promising that there was no one in the world she so much wanted to see. That was a way she had.

But then talking about her daughter’s birth:

“She told me it was a girl, and so I turned my head away and wept. ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’m glad it’s a girl. And I hope she’ll be a fool–that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”

…Her eyes flashed around her in a defiant way, rather like Tom’s, and she laughed with thrilling scorn. “Sophisticated–God, I’m sophisticated!”

3. Energy drink = Victor Frankenstein from Frankenstein

Frankenstein and energy drink

Like an energy drink, Dr. Frankenstein is a flurry of almost crazed energy as he works towards perfecting the science of creating brand-spanking-new life. But also like an energy drink, this high wears off pretty quickly once he sees the monster he’s created. Whoops.

I had worked hard for nearly two years, for the sole purpose of infusing life into an inanimate body. For this I had deprived myself of rest and health. I had desired it with an ardour that far exceeded moderation; but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart. –Victor Frankenstein

4. Raspberry beer = young Linton Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights

Linton is raspberry beer

A nice fruity beer tastes good and safe, just like juice…but the longer you drink it the more you realize it has the power to intoxicate you if you let your guard down. Young Linton traps young Cathy into believing he’s someone she wants to marry, but by the time she realizes his true character towards the end of Wuthering Heights it’s too late. She’s been trapped in his and Heathcliff’s nasty web.

Nelly and young Cathy: 

‘You must have led the way in writing such absurdities: he would not have thought of beginning, I’m certain.’

‘I didn’t!  I didn’t!’ sobbed Cathy, fit to break her heart.  ‘I didn’t once think of loving him till—’

Loving!’ cried I…

But Linton about Cathy, later: 

She deserved punishing for pushing me: but when papa was gone, she made me come to the window and showed me her cheek cut on the inside, against her teeth, and her mouth filling with blood; and then she gathered up the bits of the picture, and went and sat down with her face to the wall, and she has never spoken to me since.
–Linton Heathcliff

5. Gatorade = Jean Valjean from Les Misérables

Valjean is Gatorade

To end on a slightly more serious note, Gatorade refreshes and replenishes you–especially when you’ve been worn down through physical exertion or illness. Like Gatorade, throughout the (suuuuuper long) story of Les Misérables Valjean refreshes the people he comes into contact with, from assuring Fantine he’ll take care of her child all the way to saving a wounded Marius at risk to his own life. He even offers a refreshing kindness to the holier-than-thou Javert by refusing to kill him when he’s given the chance, even though this would have ensured his future safety. But of course, without the priest who was that first sip of Gatorade to a spiritually dehydrated Valjean he would have never become the refreshing beverage he was for so many other people.

Jean Valjean and Madame Thenardier: 

The man resumed, in that voice which he strove to render indifferent, and in which there lingered a tremor:—

“What if one were to rid you of her?”

“Who? Cosette?”

“Yes.”

The landlady’s red and violent face brightened up hideously.

“Ah! sir, my dear sir, take her, keep her, lead her off, carry her away, sugar her, stuff her with truffles, drink her, eat her, and the blessings of the good holy Virgin and of all the saints of paradise be upon you!”

“Agreed.”

“Really! You will take her away?”

“I will take her away.”

“Immediately?”

“Immediately. Call the child.”

***

Several questions remain: what flavor Gatorade would Jean Valjean be? Is Linton or Heathcliff the true raspberry beer? What other beverage-y characters can you think of? Let me know in the comments below!

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